Catharsis -OR- Fight Club for women.....

....sound like a hair loss commercial..But no, it's not. As I sit on my asian inspired futon, nursing a spazzing shoulder, high on soma, and peer over the top of my laptop at Fight Club; I wonder to myself, "Self, why are there no Fight Club-girly movies? " The closest I can think of is La Femme Nikita, and possibly even Thelma and Louise but those are both nearing the two decade mark. Really, where are the strong woman movies that aren't souped up gooey-soft porn? I want a movie where a woman can kick ass, and still be a woman. I suppose it is contrary to social norms. I dunno, maybe I'm just out of the loop. If you've suggestions, let me know.

I got up in everyone's hostile little faces....Yes these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I'm comfortable with that. I, am enlightened.

Pain. Life is pain. Maybe it is Barb's death; maybe it is an innate melancholy streak. I dunno, but something is sitting with me, nagging me like an old fishmonger’s wife; and I have to think that ignoring the existence of pain, doesn’t make it go away. Rather, it sticks it in a corner to fester. I recently had a similar discussion with some of my students. "Ms. E, does it hurt to get a tattoo or..pierced.." to which I always reply, "Anytime, you take something sharp and jab it into your skin repeatedly, it hurts. Anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But the pain is relative." Then I have to explain what I mean by "relative" -they are just 9th graders after all. More importantly, to me, getting a tattoo has always been a metaphor for life. There is all this pain and blood, and anxiety, but the end result is something beautiful.

We simply cannot live without pain. It is the proverbial yin to our shiny, happy yang.

About mid-to-late Fight Club Pitt’s character, subjects Norton’s character to a chemical burn from lye. While he is holding on to Norton’s hand he gives the following discourse:

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing…this is your pain…deal with it don’t put it away and wait til it’s dead…what you’re feeling is premature enlightenment…this the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere missing it…our father were our models for god…if our fathers fail, what does that tell you about god? You have to consider the possibility that god does not like you, he never wanted you, in all probability, he hates you….first you have to give up…you have to know, not fear that someday you’re gonna die…It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.

Now, I am by no means advocating the blind anarchy of the movie, however, I do believe that there is something that resonates within me, from that soliloquy. While we are living our lives in the “high times”-all is well, the bills are paid, there’s food in the fridge and you just got back from vacation with the family- we are living in a sort of happy induced stupor. It is true that we “don’t know what we got till it’s gone.” The recognition comes during those not so happy daze. The good friend commits suicide, a foreclosure, you lose your job, your love, a child. Loss and pain bring relativity to the equation.

Where I differ from what Pitt-Tyler is waxing on about is the idea that god hates you. As a Buddhist, I don’t see god in the same way. Buddhists view each individual as having the same innate godliness inside. Everyone is endowed with the same Buddha-nature. We are God. So, I do suppose that if you hate yourself, then, you do hate God, and in turn God hates you.

Now, on to the recognition of death. I had a high Lama say one time that Buddhist practice is all preparation fro the acceptance that you and everything you love, will die. It is all one prelude to the final swan song.

At the near-end of Fight Club Pitt’s-Tyler holds a gun to the back of the “human sacrifice-Raymond’s” head and tells him that he is going to die. Pitt-Tyler asks what Raymond wanted to be. Raymond manages to spit out “veterinarian.” Pitt-Tyler asks why Raymond has not achieved that goal, and Raymond answers “too much school.” To which Pitt-Tyler retorts “.. would you rather die behind a convenience store?” He then takes Raymond’s driver’s license, and threatens that if he is not “on his way to become a vet within six weeks, [Tyler] will kill him.” Then Tyler lets him go. Pitt-Tyler’s response is that “imagine how he feels….tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Tessell’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you or I have ever tasted.”

Seems bleak when typed out, but the reality of it is, that we DO have moments of peace and beauty. The key to learn to recognize those and feel them as viscerally and as profoundly as we feel the despondency. All those clichés, became cliché for a reason. It really is darkest before the dawn.